Poop and Cock, together at last.

You never know what's in store for you when you follow a link in your referals to someone's Live Journal page.

Today I was pleased to see Jeff Rowland was tackling the mystery of the Poop Cock.

Come To Meineke

Sometimes things show up in my referal stats and I have no idea why. Here's one here that shows up from time to time. There's no link to my page anywhere on it just a link to a collection of short little MP3s of the "one man, one microphone" psuedo-dadaist variety. I've got to admit I've been giggling my ass off listening to them. So far my favorite of the lot is "Come To Meineke". There are two things that make just about anything funny. One is anything said with a pitchshift effect set to "chipmonk" particularily swearing. The other is anything said with a computer text-to-speech program. Stephen Hawking makes everything funny.

Oh this isn't going to be pretty.

Somethings are never good to see in your referal stats. Anytime I see traffic coming from the /b/ directory of imageboards with japanese sounding domain names I know clicking that link is not going to make me a happy camper (curse you 4chan, curse you Pyoko, the things you've done to my eyes can never be undone).

There's that same kind of dread that fills you whenever you see referals from a thread on the Something Awful forums. Oh yeah, this is gonna be pleasant.

Thankfully enough I came out of that thread pretty good. It was more of a "let's pick on Fred Gallagher" thread. Now I'm all for tweaking Fred Gallagher's nose. It's almost a hobby of mine. I'm all for tweaking the nose of anyone with any degree of celebrity or notoriety and as such I fully understand it when my nose gets tweaked too. It comes with the territory. The only problem I have with the Fred Gallagher bashing is often it's not tweaks on the nose so much as punches to the cock. "OMFG! Fred Gallagher is a fat pedophile old man LOL!" is not a tweak on the nose. There's plenty of valid things you can criticise Fred Gallagher for.

You can start with the fact that for a guy who makes his living from his webcomic he's got one of the sorriest excuses for a work ethic I've ever seen. Seriously, the guy takes on the comic full time and he still has Dead Piro Days and Shirt Guy Dom days falling out of his ass everytime he bends over to pick up the Azumanga Daioh dolls he just dropped. I'd love to be able to do a great big ol' rant roasting him on that point but I've got to tell you, as a lazy person myself, I kind of admire him on that point. No seriously that's some fucking talent to be able to be that big a slacker and still make a living at it. On behalf of the half-assed everywhere in the world I salute you Fred Gallagher.

By the way, nothing in the above paragraph should be taken as a slight against Azumanga Daioh. I fricken love that comic.

Hell if you're looking for things to tweak him on the nose for you've got the fact that his webcomic is possibly the most popular work of blatant Mary Sueism (is that even a word) since... oh hell I don't know, has there ever been a Mary Sueism as Mary Sue as MegaTokyo? Where does Fred Gallagher end and Piro begin? I doubt even Fred Gallagher can answer that question. Hopefully the answer lies somewhere ahead of the vagina of teenage girls which brings us to the slightly creepy thing about MegaTokyo's Mary Sueism and a source of much rich nose tweaking material.

Teenage girls all lusting after Piro. Now this little quirk often gets Fred malisciously labled "pedophile" when I can assure you absolutely nothing could be further from the truth. Pedophiles are strictly interested in pre-pubiscent children. The word you're looking for is "hebephilia". That's the attraction to post pubescent adolescents between the ages of 14 and 19. But let's face it how much can you fault him for that? Who amoungst us is so stone cold as to proclaim that they have not seen a teen or two in their time they found to be physically hot, and by physically I mean "smokin'" and by hot I mean "ooooh baby!". Yes there's a little hebephilia in all of us if we're honest enough to admit it, no shame in that. Shame perhaps if you act upon it, especially when you're over the age of 23 (and I don't care that it's legal here in Canada for me to bang teenage girls I still think it would be way too damned creepy even by my standards). Still while I can understand the themes of hebephila that run rampant through Fred Gallaghers penciled fantasy life it remains a rich and valid source of nose tweaking material.

Of course my personal favorite goldmine of nose tweakability is the peculiar psuedo-gender dysphoria Fred Gallagher seems to have. I would not say it's true gender dysphoria because I seriously do not believe that Fred Gallagher is a woman trapped inside a man's body. No I don't think Fred secretly longs to be a woman. It would be much more accurate to say Fred overtly longs to be a 14 year old Japanese girl. A sad, quiet, shy, 14 year old Japanese girl with strong lesbian tendancies. Oh there's a nose ripe for the tweaking right there.

Here's another nose you can tweak. I strongly suspect, gathered from what I've heard-tell spoken in the darker corners of the internet, that Fred Gallagher fucked Rodney Gaston up the ass. Now I don't mean that in the "they went to a convention together, had a few too many beers, succumbed to forbidden temptation alone in the hotel room one night and woke up the next morning thinking 'oh my fucking god, what have I done?'" kind of way. I mean I believe that Fred put a quarter on the sidewalk in front of Rodney's house and then spray painted "FRED GALLAGHER'S MEGATOKYO" on the side of an 18-wheeler then waited for Rodney to bend over to pick up the quarter at which time he popped that clutch and aimed that rig square at Rodney's puckered brown eye. That's the kind of ass fuck I'm talking about here. Love him or hate him I really think ol' Rodney deserved better than that. If nothing else it serves as a bold cautionary tale about collaborating with other people. Oh if only Rodney had invested a little time and money in art lessons.

Now some might also say, and not without valid cause, that his fans are an excellent source of extra nose tweaking goodness, but that would not be me. I draw a freaking comic where nubile young women are pleasured by great tentacled beasties, who am I to judge the fans of other comics. I've probably got one or two whacky ones myself and god love each and ever one of them. And by god I of course mean great tentacled beasties. Still some of his fans are preeeeeeeeetty out there. I had the pleasure of being at a convention Fred Gallagher was at once and got to see some truly bizarre examples of fandom the one that will forever live ecthed into the very fabric of my mind is a young teenage girl. They were giving away autographed, numbered photocopies of a sketch by Fred Gallagher to the first 1000 people at the convention (I actually have one. I've contemplated colouring it and then auctioning it off on ebay. I wonder if there's someone out there who would pay good money for a collaborative work of art signed by Fred Gallagher and your pal Uncle Ghastly here). Anyways upon receiving her print this young girl of lolicon years screamed like... well not unlike she was just violated by a great tentacled beastie to tell you the truth, proclaimed her undying love for Piro and then, and I kid you not... and then, and I'm not exaggerating this is the least here... and then, honest to fucking god this is no bullshit... and then she stuck out the length of her wee loligirl tongue and proceeded to lick, repeatedly the drawing of Piro. Her friend watched on with gleeful approval (but did not lick her own print). Someday CSI is going to do an episode where someone murders a MegaTokyo fan at a convention by giving them a photocopy of a Fred Gallagher sketch that's been coated with an extra yummy toxin. Kree-fucking-pee! Still, like I said, who am I to judge?

So you see gang, there's nose a' plenty to have fun with here. I'm sure I've only but scratched the surface. There's no need to go for the cock punch. It's a fine line between poking fun and just being a dink. So please, no more "OMFG! Fred Gallagher is a fat old pedobear! ROFLOLI!!!!!1". You can do better than that internet. Really, you can.

Oh, and again I curse you 4chan for ever giving me the knowledge of what a "pedobear" is. Why... why do I click the referal link? They never have anything good to say about me anyways. I'm a masochist. Sure I come off all rough and maid-spankin' Domness but deep down inside there must be some kernal of self loathing that want me to hurt myself. Why do I click... WHY!?

Hankerin' for some spankerin'

So today's adventure through the referal stats took me to The BEST HEADACHE REMEDY EVER!

And then I got kicked out of Sky Dome.

So a little trip through the referal stats took me to The Okashina Okashi BBS which in turn lead me to today's Strange Candy comic.

It amused me. He would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for his King Leer impersonation.

It was only a matter of time.

Aw shit! The Japanese have found me! Now it's only a matter of time before the internet is flooded with pictures of Chibi Sue being ass-fucked by Freddy. All drawn better than I can draw them!

I kid, I kid. According to my geotracker stats the Japanese found me ages ago. And I know it's not Clay reading them all because last time I saw him he bitched me out for making my files so big because it takes too long for him to read my comic on his crappy Japanese dailup connection.

Ha ha! All bow before my superior Canadian ADSL! 200K+ images are nothing to me.

I will say this about broadband though. It ruins porn. No it does. Before when I had dialup porn was more exciting. You'd sit there and wait for it to display on your screen, bit by bit. You had the thrill of anticipation which was usually better than the porn itself. What was the picture going to be? Was it going to be anal? Was the guy going to be doing a tranny? Was the girl going to be doing a goat? You just didn't know for sure what you had until about 60% of the image had loaded and even still sometimes you'd get that M. Night Shamalamadingdong surprise ending in the last 10% of the picture that would blow your freaking mind.

With broadband you click, porn is there. Where's the thrill of anticipation in that. It's like the internet is premature ejaculating all over my monitor.

Incidently, speaking of geotracker stats. According to my stats someone at Vatican City used to read my comic but they haven't been for almost a month now. I'm not sayin' anything but it does make you go "hmmmmmm".

Speaking of things that make you go "hmmmmmm", does Arsineo Hall still have a career? I wonder if he's become one of those "Now a celebrity on the internet" type of celebrities. Maybe he'll start doing a webcomic that's a great way to become an internet celebrity.

Of course I've said it before and I'll say it again, often, any chance I get because I love the sound of my own voice even when it's just in ASCII; being a celebrity on the internet is like masturbating. It may make you feel good but it's so easy everyone can do it, and if you brag about it to your friends they'll just think you're a dork.